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Thursday 24 March 2011

Some more of my writing.

Whirlwind

A whirlwind of thoughts flying round out of control. 
Try to take hold of one and start it's creation.
It's hard with the other thoughts whirling round.
knocking it out of your hand, grab another try that. 
Yet again your hand can't hold on to the thought, it keeps changing. 
It won't stop. Don't try to keep up. 
The distruction of the whirlwind creates more and more. 
You grow weak every time you try to hold on. 
You can't keep up with the pace. 

Step back with the calm, once the whirlwind has gone.
The thoughts have settled but still are born. 
Try to sort them one by one. 
It still can not be done. 
A bit of this and a bit of that. 
Never ending it is that. 

Poems



Tired but wide awake


Tired but wide awake.
A frown upon my face.
Sat thinking, thoughts unclear.
I feel empty, deep inside.
I feel like I've already died.

Nothing matters anymore.
I want to walk out the door.
I'm sat, but never still.
Going up this never ending hill.

I feel anger, deep inside.
I keep it in I try to hide.
It all explodes, things fly in rage.

I hate myself on these days.





Save me from me


Don't try to look behind my eyes.
They lead down to my mind. 
It's a dark lonely place inside. 
I search, I never find. 

Save me from my mind,
save me from my life,
save me from me.

Wednesday 23 March 2011

I feel empty, just nothing. 
Trying to understand what's happening. Trying to find ways to help myself. Trying to prepare for what's to come. 
I hate the feeling, knowing what's coming. Knowing my thoughts are going to become unclear and irrational. 

I think its worse because i can even tell you what's going to happen and when. Surely if I know what's going to happen I can change my thoughts. 
:/ I don't know. Like I said everything becomes unclear and irrational. 

Such bad timing, something so important. Something that can't be changed. 

I'm sad it isn't for a reason. Thinking about it now I'm sad cause I know what's coming. So it started for no reason and I've created a reason on top of that. I'm really not helping myself here. 

I think it's too late now as the downward spiral has started. I don't want to be here when it looses control. :( I need to look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) I know from work it helps change your thought patterns. (working in mental health is a great help) 

I also need to make myself eat. Preferably things that are good for me. I tend not to want to eat much on my bad days. I've learnt eating certain things can help your mood. 

12 good days now what?

Well I got 12 god days, I've really made the most of them.

I was grumpy yesterday but I'd not slept much because of the pain in my hips/legs.


Had a lovely morning, took my youngest to an art group.

Just after lunch it hit, I just sank.
I felt my mood change, It was like someone turned a switch. I just felt so sad with no explanation as to why. That's kind of how I feel now, I just want to cry. I hate this low feeling, just a few days ago I could of taken on the world. Now I just want to hide away till the good days come back.
I'm full of worry about what I'm going to say or do. I worry about what I'm going to end up arguing with Mr G about. I hate the fact I know it's coming. I tried to stop it last month and it made me worse so how do I go about it all this month? I don't know!?!

I plan on trying my hardest to eat as well as I can. I'm going to reduce my coffee intake and see how I go.
Prepare myself for the anger and rage, try to see/feel my own signs. Attempt to take my meds before I snap.

Friday 18 March 2011

The bad in the good.

It's hard to think about the bad days when I feel so good right now.
I need to though! I need to plan what I'm going to do.
I want to make an effort to eat better for a start. Last month I knew it was coming and I tried to stop it. I held it in which just seemed to cause more of an explosion.

I'm joining in an event month on a forum I go on. I'll be seeing my handmade things. I've set up collabs with some other work at home mums. I need to get as much done now so I'm prepared. It's due to start just as my bad days are. Typical....lol I just hope I can keep my concentration enough to get some things listed when it starts. Luckily I've finished a couple of things and I have a few bits part finished.

I'm used to just plodding on.
Accepting the good and bad days as they come and go.
Now I'm trying to embrace the good days while they are here. this past week I've done more than I've done in a long time! I've made an effort to take my daughters to toddler groups, rather than sitting at home doing nothing. I even got baby sitters and went to a knitting group! No kids lol. The lady who runs the toddler art group asked if I'd like to volunteer.
I'm going to go and hep out next Wednesday afternoon. I said I might not be able to do it every week but I'd be happy to hep.

Sunday 13 March 2011

Well today I feel I can take on the world!
I'm back :D now I konw what's going on and I'm trying to get help I'm going to take these good days with both hands and embrace them.

I'm going to support those who have supported me the last week or so to the best of my ability.

Sending my love to all the ladies in the support group.

Friday 11 March 2011

I'm so lucky!

So even after an awful night last night filled with anger, rage,self harm and wanted to just be gone. My husband is going all out to hep me.

Today he's pushed me to talk to the right people to get help.
I was on the phone all morning, I spoke to the CMHT(community meant health team) who told me to contact the gateway team. After a long chat with a lovey lady, I was advised to see my GP and get my hormone levels checked. I've got my appointment booked for Monday. I've also spoken to my mum so she knows what's going on. All of this is a huge step, I would usually just hide away.

He's also organised me a meal plan with one of my friends who just happens to work on the healthy eating team. He's going to order the ingredients to be delivered next week.

I'm still feeling quite low but these bad days should be over soon.
I'm feeling anxious about going on a family outing tomorrow. I just hope that tomorrow is the start of my good days and I can enjoy it. I just worry that I'm going to spoil it for everyone. They are going swimming and after last nights events I'd rather not wear a swimming costume. I'm going to take my knitting and make some eggs for Easter.

I'm so lucky to have someone supporting me like this.

Thursday 10 March 2011

The start of my blog

Where to start?

Well I will start with me coming across a blog posted on Facebook.
http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/01/pmdd-crisis-guide.html
The more I read the more I could of written some of this, it's all so familiar.
"Screaming, frustration, anger, rage and shouting. Throwing things, kicking things, punching, scratching my arms with my own nails, drinking, sobbing, weeping, and suicidal feelings."



Looking back I've been like this since I started my periods.
Things seem to be worse now due to something that happened in my life that I regret (I'm not going to go into this now)

I've been monitoring my moods in relation to my periods for the last 3 months. I have also been writing a diary, I find this helps. I can read back over my thoughts and see how irrational they are.
This month I knew it was coming, it made me feel more anxious on one hand, but made me feel stronger on the other. I have read up as much as I can. I know I need to discuss all this with my GP, I also know I need to eat better and do some exercise. Its just finding the motivation to do it.

I'm currently having a really bad few days. I keep arguing with my husband for no reason. It hurts me so much. I do it but I don't know why? Then I get really low, I start to hate myself. He must hate me too. I've put him through some horrid times. Yet for some reason he is still here, with me. All my anger and sadness seems to be focused on him. He's always the one who get's it. Why do I do this to him? Sometimes it's just an argument, other times it's much worse. He's seen me in crisis and he has helped me so much. I really don't deserve him. At times I wonder if he put's up with this hell of a life just for the kids. It can't be possible to want to be with me when I'm going through this. I'm nothing, but an angry, abusive shell of my usual self.  When I'm so low I want to hurt myself or die. How does this make him feel? It can't be nice for you if your partner wants to die and leave you can it? These all come back and make me feel like I just want to go away. If I could go away and be alone for 2 weeks of the month, lock myself away so I can't hurt anyone or myself.

I'm not eating, I'm basically living off coffee. I know this isn't good for me, I know it makes me worse. I need someone to say you need to buy this and make this this and this meal today. I need a weekly meal plan, the motivation to do it and the motivation to actually eat.

I'm not currently taking any medication, apart from diazepam when I really need it. I do have anti depressants but I always forget to take them.

I use my arty side as a therapy I guess. I'm always making something, or designing something. I find it hard to concentrate. I often have several projects on the go. I use it to get away.

I often spend time just sat not talking. I don't really know I'm doing it till he asks if I still love him. He wonders why we never talk, he says we have nothing in common. I'm not surprised I hide inside myself, in the dark place I go every month. Everything annoys me, I fly into a rage for a stupid little thing. Then I get so low I want to die, I hate myself.



I remember locking myself in the bathroom and crying, wanting to hurt myself. I used to scratch my arms with my nails or tweezers. I never made any sense, I would ramble on. This happened so many times. I never really understood myself.

I've used drink to try to get away, it never works and only makes it worse.
I've always wanted a baby so badly. I now have 2 gorgeous girls and I still want more. Its all I ever think about.

At one point it was so bad, I decided to just drink. I drank as much as I could drink. It was the wrong thing to do. I'd already been coping by self harming, I'd been cutting my legs. The drink took away my control. instead of a couple of little lines on my legs. I seem to of created some sort of art work on my leg with a razor blade. Not my best idea.