Well I will start with me coming across a blog posted on Facebook.
http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/01/pmdd-crisis-guide.html
The more I read the more I could of written some of this, it's all so familiar.
"Screaming, frustration, anger, rage and shouting. Throwing things, kicking things, punching, scratching my arms with my own nails, drinking, sobbing, weeping, and suicidal feelings."
Looking back I've been like this since I started my periods.
Things seem to be worse now due to something that happened in my life that I regret (I'm not going to go into this now)
I've been monitoring my moods in relation to my periods for the last 3 months. I have also been writing a diary, I find this helps. I can read back over my thoughts and see how irrational they are.
This month I knew it was coming, it made me feel more anxious on one hand, but made me feel stronger on the other. I have read up as much as I can. I know I need to discuss all this with my GP, I also know I need to eat better and do some exercise. Its just finding the motivation to do it.
I'm currently having a really bad few days. I keep arguing with my husband for no reason. It hurts me so much. I do it but I don't know why? Then I get really low, I start to hate myself. He must hate me too. I've put him through some horrid times. Yet for some reason he is still here, with me. All my anger and sadness seems to be focused on him. He's always the one who get's it. Why do I do this to him? Sometimes it's just an argument, other times it's much worse. He's seen me in crisis and he has helped me so much. I really don't deserve him. At times I wonder if he put's up with this hell of a life just for the kids. It can't be possible to want to be with me when I'm going through this. I'm nothing, but an angry, abusive shell of my usual self. When I'm so low I want to hurt myself or die. How does this make him feel? It can't be nice for you if your partner wants to die and leave you can it? These all come back and make me feel like I just want to go away. If I could go away and be alone for 2 weeks of the month, lock myself away so I can't hurt anyone or myself.
I'm not eating, I'm basically living off coffee. I know this isn't good for me, I know it makes me worse. I need someone to say you need to buy this and make this this and this meal today. I need a weekly meal plan, the motivation to do it and the motivation to actually eat.
I'm not currently taking any medication, apart from diazepam when I really need it. I do have anti depressants but I always forget to take them.
I use my arty side as a therapy I guess. I'm always making something, or designing something. I find it hard to concentrate. I often have several projects on the go. I use it to get away.
I often spend time just sat not talking. I don't really know I'm doing it till he asks if I still love him. He wonders why we never talk, he says we have nothing in common. I'm not surprised I hide inside myself, in the dark place I go every month. Everything annoys me, I fly into a rage for a stupid little thing. Then I get so low I want to die, I hate myself.
I remember locking myself in the bathroom and crying, wanting to hurt myself. I used to scratch my arms with my nails or tweezers. I never made any sense, I would ramble on. This happened so many times. I never really understood myself.
I've used drink to try to get away, it never works and only makes it worse.
I've always wanted a baby so badly. I now have 2 gorgeous girls and I still want more. Its all I ever think about.
At one point it was so bad, I decided to just drink. I drank as much as I could drink. It was the wrong thing to do. I'd already been coping by self harming, I'd been cutting my legs. The drink took away my control. instead of a couple of little lines on my legs. I seem to of created some sort of art work on my leg with a razor blade. Not my best idea.
I understand the self-injury...I use to do it too (it's been over a year now...). I've never openly talked about it with anyone. I use to put holes through the wall and punch things over and over until I couldn't feel my hands because they were completely swollen. Cutting is the worse and hardest to talk about though.
ReplyDeletePMDD makes your life miserable and then when we take it out on ourselves, it makes it very difficult to enjoy the "good" times when they come around becuase you're trying to rationalize what just happened....trying to tell yourself this isn't who you want to be, but it inevitably is a part of you.
Hang in there, chica! We've got your back :)